lowKEY

i first thought it would be too difficult for me to go home. i am glad that somehow the feelings have changed. i am not yet 100% comfortable with the feeling of being home again, but somehow, i have started to conquer some of my fears.

upon arrival, i decided to have early breakfast with Free Spirit, Batang Bubuwit, at Bolang de Kanto. i was hoping Pilyong Querubin, Maputlang Seraphim, Pusong Matapang and Fine China would be around.  but knowing that the time set was too early, i felt that breakfast with them would not be possible.  either way, it was a good breakfast (not until the video was shown to me..) hehe..

i also had the chance to meet up with Clearwater.. it feels good to be around someone who knows about stories which were left unsaid to many.. being with him gave me the chance to be vulnerable again.. i remember we started our conversations with a happy tone.. then came the sad part.. funny that we suddenly became silent and were both teary-eyed.. we did not want to spend the rest of the night being sad, and so the shift to the happy note again.. (bigsigh).. it feels good talking to him.. sad and hurting stories, but good to have a guardian who knows the other side of the wall.. thank you for the dinner..

living home again was difficult.. although the feeling was a lot different from the first time i left, it was still heartbreaking on my part.. i was feeling the void again.. after the successful run, it was so sad to acknowledge the fact that emptiness was starting to take over.. on the other hand, i was happy to see Free Spirit, Batang Bubuwit, Via Yang and Trusting Heart to send me off.  Pilyong Querubin was also there.. it feels really good to feel your hug again..

here i am again.. sa bagong mundong kinasasanayan na rin.. i was eating dinner at the mega mall foodcourt alone.. there is really nothing new about that.. i guess it will be that same scene for now..


i still miss home everyday.. walang araw ang lumilipas na hindi ito hinahanap ng puso ko.. sometimes i think when the yearning of home will come to an end.. (bigsigh again)..


di bale, for now, i can go on with my running to fill the void..
yun na muna siguro...


happy tuesday Seth... missing you already..


092810tuesday

number11033

it was my first official run dedicated to Ori.

i was a bit worried that i would not be able to have a good run. almost a week of having my feet rested gave me the feeling that i wont be in good condition on my most awaited day. i woke up early. i was glad that i still managed to sleep with the presence of high emotions inside me.

the day greeted me with the sweet scent of early morning air. i think that the moon was also willing to witness my run. i can only project a half-hearted smile for it..

while waiting for the gun shot, i was starting to feel excited that i would be running with friends. college friends whom i treasure very closely to my heart. i was glad to be having this run with  Ms. Yani and Only Rose.  i was even more excited to be running with Via Yang. Coach Aquaman, Trusting Heart, and Frosty were running for the 10k.  Wandering Air  was, on the other hand, ever ready to push himself for the 42k. 

the shot was heard, and then i stated to let go of my feet. i was listening intently to my breathing and my heartbeat.  i have to reach my goal for the race. but most importantly, i must finish the race with victory and genuine smile.. this is after all for someone very close to my heart..


i was also excited to see Free Spirit and Dancing Shoes at the finish line.  i know that they too will rejoice with me as i finish this race.  it was like running for home.. it was like going faster to reach home..


i got lost of sight with my running mates at some points of the race, but i never felt alone. probably because i know that they were just somewhere, and that at the end of the race, i will still be seeing them.. either i will do the waiting for them, or they will all do the waiting for me..

it was also a surprise seeing Matamis na mansanas joining the 3k category. it added to the joy i was embracing. aside from seeing a lot of celebrities reached their finish line, i felt that my heart was in full smile after the race. i was not really sure why, but i knew that i was really happy. my heart was really jumping for joy. i was proud of myself for reaching the end line. i was proud to say, i was one with my heart and soul again..

i was aiming to finish the race in 30 minutes.. i failed to reach that goal. but i am happy that i was able to break my past running record by almost 80 percent.  i finished the race in 40:29:09.. a very big improvement i must say..


Heartbeats celebrated when she heard me say that i am happy.  i also hope i will be able to sustain the feeling.  (Bigsigh).. if marathons can really make me happy, i wont be scared to run all my life for it..


i ran with the sight of the moon.
i reached the finish line still with the sight of the moon.
but for the bottomline, 
we waited for Wandering Air and went home with the sun.


thank you guys for sticking around..

092710monday

sandCASTLE

i was having my usual me-myself-and-i lunch when i suddenly received a text from Smiling Eyes..

i was on the stage of moving on, i was discarding everything that reminds me of my past,

though its heavy in my heart but i need to submit myself to the idea of living a separate life apart from the one i love.

days, weeks passed and i was able to manage being away, living on my own,

but when i say the one i love with someone new, i broke down to tears and suddenly i realized,

yes, ive moved on... but i guess i forgot to let go.

i knew what he meant with every word he wrote.

i can only let go of a big sigh.

and then another.

and then again,

my finger started to scribble forever.

here i go again..

another stop over.



092110tuesday

pbTWO

dive for dreams

or a slogan may topple you

(trees are their roots

and wind is wind)

trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)

honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)

never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
-poetry by ee cummings -

thats what had always happened. her timing was either impeccably off or the guys she liked turned out to be nothing more than deadweight.  tess wanted to live by love, but the stars never walked backward for her, and they most definitely didnt line up for romance.  she was unlucky when it came to the heart, always had been, always would be, and that was a big reason she wanted to get away.  for her, sailing was a cinch, but relationships were not.  somehow, mastering the wind was always easier than taming uruly men.

-charlie st. cloud a novel by ben sherwood (now a motion picture)- 

091910sunday

150BPM

Maputlang Seraphim broke a rule the other night by sharing some details about home. he was insisting that a bird cannot continue flying unless its wounded wings are totally healed. and part of the healing is venturing with the past that caused the broken wings.

he was saying the same things that Seth told me even before i left.

of course i know that. of course i acknowledge that.
only that i chose to do it otherwise.

as what i have said during the send off.. i realized that sometimes one needs to stop fighting for something she holds too close to her heart.. and in doing so, it doesnt mean turning its back on it or giving up on it.. sometimes, just stopping to fight for it only means wanting to give the self the best possible gentleness it deserves.. the peace it deserves..

i admit that i am still in the process of weaving my peace..
of putting up myself again..
of leaving things behind..
and breaking free..
and i admit too,
that i was tempted to ask a question,
and click the mouse for details..

but i am even prouder that i didnt..

i can afford another stop over..
or even manage to get stranded from time to time..
but not a relapse..
or even worst, not a u-turn..

you cannot go back Mya..
youve got to keep running.. and running..
theres no turning back anymore..
eyes on the finish line..

091910sunday

eightDAYS

ei viayang.. how about singing with me..

im coming out (home na lang)
i want the world to know
gotta let it show...

im coming home..

091610thursday

RUSSianriver

ang pinaka amazing na taong nakilala ko. ang pinaka mahalaga at pinaka mahal ko sa lahat. i am really, really proud of you.. and i will always be proud of you. siya ang blue moon ko. blue moon man daw, dumaan pa rin. gaya ng lagi kong sinasabi, everytime i count my blessings, i count you more than once.. thank you for everything.. thank you for making me happy..  know always that i value you more than youll ever know, and that i love you far more greater than you can ever imagine.

happy birthday.
be happy.

(Myas request: this blog entry is not open for comments.. : )

091410tuesday

twistedSUN

Mya: paano kung di matangagal ang sakit?
Coach Runner: sain? knee pain?
Mya: hindi po, heart pain?
Coach Runner: sabi ko na daw! haha.. eh di gawin bopis! tro to get one ulit.
Mya: try to get one? sana nga i can get a transplant.
Coach Runner: meron artificial pacemaker! and if symptoms persist consult your physician.. hahaha..
Mya: anong artificial pacemaker?
Coach Runner: artificial heart yan. its up to you kung how long mo gusto na in pain ka. or, try mo isearch sa youtube .....

(a conversation with my running coach.. caught off guard sa biglang text ko.. pasensya na coach.. slow learner ang alaga mo)...

091310monday

preciousMOMENT

i was on my way to shangrila to check out a schedule of an addidas event. as i was walking, i heard a familiar song playing. i started to locate the source of the music playing. at the far end of the street, there i saw a blind man with his guitar playing sweet music. its the common sight we see on the streets, or on footbridges.  blind men with their guitars, singing with their cans that says donation for the blind. i walked faster.  for no particular reason, i just wanted to be near the man singing and listen to him. as i came nearer, he started to sing his next song.

standing on his left side, i started to flash my biggest smile.. abot hanggang tenga.. it was as if i just heard the sweetest music in my life.. believe it or not, i started to sing along.. and believe or not, i didnt mind the people around me.. some even smiled after noticing that i was singing with him..

i pulled off some coins, dropped it inside the can, and left with a happy heart..

i was smiling.. and i realized.. it is friday..
tomorrow will be saturday again..

sing with me now..
please..

happy bird...

pag-ibig ko sa iyo'y totoo
ni walang halong biro
kaya sana'y paniwalaan mo
ang pag-ibig kong ito


walang ibang mamahalin
kundi ikaw lamang giliw
kaya sana'y paniwalaan mo
ang pag-ibig kong ito
sa aking buhay
ay walang kapantay
aking pagmamahal
asahan mong tunay
kaya sana'y paniwalaan mo
ang pag-ibig kong ito

091010friday

facingSTORMS

i watched the movie shawshank redemption. it was a very touching movie. i had little sobs in betweens. but it communicated a good tone and feeling. only that, i must admit, it also trigerred dying moments again. i wanted to curl up and just feel nothing.

in one scene, andy (the lead character) mentioned his dream of going to a place called zihuatanejo.  its a town in mexico and is near the the pacific ocean.  mexicans say that the pacific is a place with no memory. andy wants to live there for the rest of his life.. a warm place with no memory

my drifting-world turned on once again. a place with no memory.. how could anyone desire for that? why will anyone choose that? on a second thought, i think i would want that too..

a place with no memories..
i can only sigh..

i have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged.

their feathers are just too bright. and when they fly away..

the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice.

 but still the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that theyre gone.

i guess I just miss my friend.

-ellis boyd redding (morgan freeman)-

hope is a good thing.. maybe the best of things.

and no good thing ever dies.

-andy dufransne (tim robbins)-

i hope one day i can look at you without anger.

i hope one day i can touch you without breaking into pieces.

i hope one day i can look at you in the eyes with forgiveness.

i hope.

-MYAngligaw-

091010friday

unfairDAYS

completing requirements...
mya: good morning ms. d.. this is mya.. may i know the schedule of my acess test?
ms. d: hello ms. mya.. mmm, let me check.. its on september 14..
mya: oh.. can i have another date please?..
ms. d: no cant do.. no other schedule available.. september 14, 8.00-5.00..

mya: ok.. (deep sigh) thank you...

riding a jeep going home..

jeep stereo playing first song..

and i gave up forever to touch you..

when everythings made to be broken..
i just want you to know who i am..
second song...
coz i love her with all that i am

and my voice shakes along with my hands
coz she's all that I see and she's all that I need
and i'm out of my league once again

lunch time..
ms. m: mya, may ice cream tayo dun..
mya: ahh.. ok po..
 

mr. t: oi mya may ice cream dito..
mya: ahh.. ok po..
 
supertwin1: ms. mya ice cream daw ubusin natin..
mya.. ahh.. mmm...
 
ms. m: oi ano, kain ka dun ice cream..
mya: ahh.. hindi po ako kumakain ice cream..
ms. m: ha, bakit? seryoso ka?
mya: ahh.. mmm..
 

bus ride going home..
batman: mya, iyan ang philippine heart center.. dyan ka mapupunta kapag di mo inalagaan sarili ko..
mya: ah talaga.. so pwede na pala ako pumunta dyan..
batman: (acting surprised).. ha, bakit naman..
mya: i would love a heart transplat..
batman: ha.. anong heart transplant?..
mya: i would want a brand new heart.. literally.. and figuratively.. (bigsigh).. yah.. a new heart..
 
5:00pm..
supertwin1: oi ms. mya, last day ko bukas kaya sama ka starbucks..
mya: ha?... eh alam mo naman di ako nag co-cofee...
supertwin1: bakit ba ayaw mo cofee?
mya: ah.. allergic ako..
supertwin1: ha, ngayon lang ako nakarinig ng allergy sa coffee..
mya: mmm...
 
supertwin1:anong ginawa mo nung sunday?
mya: tulog, simba, nakinig piano sa mall, tumakbo..
supertwin1: san ka ba tumatakbo?
mya: sa ultra kasi malapit lang samin..
supertwin1: eh bat ka pa tatakbo, eh ang payat mo naman..
mya: its good for my heart.. literally and figuratively again..
 
way out to institutions gate..
batman: bat di ka kumain nung palabok, ang sarap pa naman nun..
mya: may allergy ako..
batman: sa palabok? weird, ngayon lang ako nakarinig noon..
mya: oo meron nun..
batman: anong mangyayari kapag kumain ka?
mya: mag swell ang puso ko..
batman: ha?
mya: basta...

need i say more?

need i ask why unfair days exist?

need i have deeper sighs again and again?

its not ok.

im not ok.

but im running..

sundaysBEST

after hearing sunday mass at the mall alone (i really am not sure if i heard the mass, my mind had its usual drift again), i decided to watch and listen to this old man playing the grand piano at the ground floor. the music took me to memory lane again. darn! memory lane is equal to pain. i remember Berdeng Ibon during our lunchdate last saturday..

Mya: halata bang maga ang mata ko?
Berdent Ibon: oo, bakit, umiyak ka na naman? Bakit ka na naman umiyak? yung dati na naman?
Mya: oo.. eh bigla na naman akong nalungkot kagabi.. kaya iyon..
Berdeng Ibon: di mo ba alam na ikaw lang ang talo sa kakaiyak mo?
May: oo, alam ko.. kaso ganun eh..

i continued to watch and listen to his music.. at some points i would smile.. imagining that i am slow-dancing with the music..
the feeling was great..

then after around 30 minutes of the sound of music, i decided to go for my run..

the oval had new faces around.. there were koreans playing soccer at the field.. then there were of course the usual runners..

after finishing my warm ups, i took my first round..
and there i notice this big-boned lady.. big-boned but really looked sexy and fit..

on the second round, i finally realized who she was..
theres enkantadias reyna amihan - ms. iza calzado..

she was with her trainor.. and she really runs fast..
shes probably preparing for the cam sur international summit marathon. i heard shes joining the 10k race category with maricar reyes..

hmm.. she did stepped aside when i passed by her lane while she was resting..
pretty girl.. pretty ms. iza..

080610monday

swollenEYES

si Sweet Bear.
si Munting Tinig.
si Scared Clown.

alam ng isip at puso ko na hinahanap din kayo nito. may mga araw na nais ko rin na marinig ang mga kwento ninyo. batid ko na mahalaga pa rin kayo sa akin.

pero sa kabila ng mga pakiramdam na iyon, takot akong marinig ang mga pangalan ninyo. tumitigil ang mundo ko marinig ko lang ang kahit anong mag papaalala sainyo. higit sa lahat, i break in every thought of you..

its not your fault. its nobodys fault. marahil, sobrang mahina lang talaga ako. marahil, duwag lang talaga ako.
pasensya na Sweet Bear kung ang dami kong arte ah.
pasensya rin Munting Tinig kung di muna kita masasamahan sa pinangako kong project natin.
pasensya rin Scared Clown kung sa totoo nagagalit ang kalooban ko kapag di ka tumutupad sa mga hiling ko.

miss ko kayo.
at hindi ko iyon gusto.

miss ko kayo.
totoo.

090610monday

missingCLEARWATER

..everythings gonna be okay (clearwater)...

sabi ko, iiwasan ko muna syang kausapin.
sabi ko, gusto ko munang mag isa.
sabi ko, ako na lang muna bahala sa sarili ko.

ang totoo, ayaw ko sanang lumipas ang araw na hindi siya nakakausap.
ang totoo, gusto ko syang kasama kahit sa text lang.
ang totoo, siya ang pinaka pinagkukunan ko ng lakas noon.

hay.

sabi ko, miss na kita.
ang totoo, miss na miss na talaga.

080610monday

differentlyDIFFERENT

my big boss asked me and my pretty boss to attend an event. it was an event organized by a universitys education department and placement office. they had invited three speakers, teachers by profession.  all three speakers have very exceptional backgrounds. the first one (representing the pre-school) graduated summa cum laude at the university of the philippines. apart from this, she also has a very good singing voice. representing the highschool level was a guy who was raised in the u.s by filipino parents, but then decided to teach religion in the philippines; also graduated summa cum laude. the third speaker is a well known individual in the broadcast, tv/radio and advertising industry.  known to his students because of his uncanny personality, he is, believe it or not, very passionate to teaching.

the event hopes to encourage students to go into teaching, whether its with kids who may pee on your pants, or highschool boys who can be your woes, or college teens wholl get to challenge you because of their wits and even their charms. each speaker had their own stories to tell. but the bottomline was.. teaching is still the greatest profession and that.. you dont go into teaching if you want to get rich.

there are some points that again brought me to my mmm-ahhh-woah-world.. let me lift some of them for you..
teaching is the best way to give up your blessings.
life is about getting lost and commiting mistakes (well, i dont agree with the committing mistakes part..blog entry beyondPERMANENCE )
gradschool is a great humbling experience.
there is what we call soft love and tough love.

i need not share their thoughts about the points i lifted. i just found a lot of sense in those lines. aside from that, it also allowed me to recall my school days, and go back to my experiences with my teachers.

i just realized, that really, every great and successful person has a teacher in the background. we have met john keating in dead poets society; mr. eugene simonet  in pay it forward; erin gruwell in freedom writers; katherine watson in mona lisa smile; coach carter in coach carter; morrie in mitch alboms life; and even mr. miyagi in a lot of karate kid movies. all these stories brought movie-goers teary eyed because of the way they touched the lifes of their students. how they made that big difference.

i have a lot of teacher stories to tell. but i hate to admit and say that Gurung R was the only one who allowed me to push myself to greater heights. i think ill have another blog about the rest of the teachers in my life...

who is your greatest teacher?
id say, we are blessed if we have one who made us soar higher..

a teacher once said..
i can do a lot of things.. i can make a C feel like its the greatest crowning glory, and an A- a big slap on the face..

see how teachers can make us feel differently different?

mmm-ahh-woah-

090310friday

theCOUNTDOWN

24days. 9hours. 19minutes. 39seconds.

for letting go

moving on

and breaking free

24days. 9hours. 15minutes. 25seconds.

for little one

for MAYAngligaw

and for me

24days. 9hours. 12minutes. 45seconds.

for eyes closed

deep sighs

and real smiles

24 days. 9hours. 9minutes. 16seconds.

see me at the finish line

090210thursday

smilingMYA

the day was still toxic as always. but i was amazed to find myself smiling while i was walking on my way out of the institutions gate.  in my solittude, i tried to examine my entire day at the office. i remembered two maintenance staff who visited me for their ids.  they seemed so happy that they have started working already.  all smiles.. too grateful that i recommended them..

i handle the screening of office personnel and even the maintenance staff. but so far, i really find so much joy whenever i see requests for maintenance staff. to top that even more, i celebrate everytime i see happy faces once they are hired.. masaya ako dahil pakiramdam ko, naging malaking bahagi din ako ng mga plano nila sa buhay.. nakatulong kahit sa maliit na paraan para may magawa din sila sa kanilang mga mahal sa buhay..

i can still picture my smiles today..

i am still smiling today..

i thank heaven for the opportunity to see forms of happiness in others faces..
this is for mylight.. and myORI..
pipilitin kong maging masaya sa pamamagitan ng pagtulong sa iba..

i hope that youll be proud of me..

090110tuesday