totalECLIPSE

relocation taught me to look after myself, to look strong in spite of the loneliness that eats me up, and to hold that extra power i get by putting on all my guards. during the many low times, i saw how i tried to pull myself up and rise above each low point.. i saw myself shed tears and waited until they dry up.. i listened to the every meaning of my deep sighs... i hoped against all hopes and believed that the right time will come..

there was strength in my weaknesses.. i felt safe with my guards on... happiness was fair enough in spite of the circumstances and uncertainties..

until the lunar eclipse.. 

i walked like i was in a huge garden.. i smiled and laugh like i have forgotten every hurt and emptiness i have inside me.. i let go of my hands like it knows no fear of holding another.. my heart danced like its all brand new...

for the longest time since i came here, i felt that i was in a safe place again.. i felt that i need not worry about anything.. i just knew i was happy..

happy....all because i let all my guards down...

then the sun came up and i knew something serious just took place.. too serious that i knew i did not want to entertain at all.. too serious that i arrived at the point of regret..

all suddenly i felt that my world was starting to fall again.. i felt that fear was tearing me apart... every shield that i worked on all this time was washed away by the vulnerabilities i unknowingly welcomed.. 

suddenly, fragility was embracing me tightly.. 

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am i wrong because i threw my shield and subjected myself to more vulnerabilities?

or am i wrong because i am too scared to take chances?

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ps. this entry is not particular to the night of the lunar eclipse.. it though opened the door to reassessing myself and see how far the lost bird have reached..

apparently, it seems that the bird would prefer getting lost while having all her guards on rather than take farther flights  to target destinations but witness another broken wing along..

121211monday