Monday, August 30, 2010

comfortFOOD

i really had a wonderful lunch. we had my favorite home-cooked kaldereta and lumpia shang-hai prepared by mama. my sister arrived from a home visit in bicol. of course, mama took the opportunity to prepare something for us here. i was craving for extra rice actually. after lunch, i could not help but think more foods i really miss.

coko cafes corned beef. its just the usual corned beef served at restos, but i guess its the company i have that makes it more special.
bakers plazas toasted siopao. there isnt any store here that sell such. its completely uniquely bicol.
biggs crispy chicken, supreme burger, and baked mashed potato. the chicken just tastes deliciously different. the pure beef that makes up the burger with its very tasteful dressing, and the smell of freshly baked mashed potato topped with crispy bacon bits.
universal bakerys mongo bread and japanese hopia. i dont know, i just really miss the taste, and right now i want to eat it.
cofee and cos tuna setti, pizza rotti, and frenchfries. they are synonimous with mussings, stories, laughter, tears. they symbolize friendship and love. of skies, moon, stars and even strawberry fields.
purple bells pad thai. i remember the pad thai. i dont want to remember the place.
cocina conchitas lechon. its the best lechon ever. beter than those of cebus.
naga gardens lumpia shanghai and eggpie. i can only sigh.

i cant write any longer. suddenly, i felt sad again.
so much about comfort food.
haay.

083010monday

pbONE

pb stands for powerbooks. i decided that everytime i visit powerbooks, i should bring with me a line or two from a book i came across..

so here it goes.. my first PB entry..

i realized that living my life in reverse is synonymous to living my future life..

083010monday

rainingROSES

i havent visited the church for quite sometime now. i was actually having second thoughts with the invitation to attend the sunday mass again. but something in my heart was telling me to go. so i decided to join my sister in attending the 7.30 pm mass.

i was surprised that the church was filled with so many roses.  white, red, pink, yellow, and even orange roses.  they were all over the place. i felt really light and excited. and then i learned that the relics of St. Therese of the the Child Jesus visited our church, St. Francis of Asissi. there was a short catechesis regarding the life of St. Therese. we were later asked by the priest to close our eyes for a short prayer. i was teary eyed after the prayer.  then later, the commentator mentioned that there will be kissing of the relics, and everyone would be given a rose.

i felt excited upon hearing about the roses to be given to the parishioners.  i dont know why, but i knew i wanted to get one. once the mass was over, people started to line up. i was quite pissed that there were so many people ahead of me in the line.  i was so worried i wont get the rose i wanted.

when it was my turn to kiss the relics, i realized that there were so much roses available.  so many that it was more than enough for everyone.  i was given a pink rose. and i know my heart was smiling.

and then i heard a very beautiful song.. you fill my heart full of sighs, breathless they danced with the sky.. you fill my night full of stars, restless my soul seeks your eyes.. as long as you believe, roses shall rain from the skies..

i went home holding the rose so gently with my hands..
and then, rain started to fall..

082910sunday

Sunday, August 29, 2010

nextPLEASE

i was so lazy to pull myself up this morning from bed. looking at the window, i can see a whether so cozy for a much longer and deeper sleep.  if only i can just stay home and be absent for work. 

on the other hand, its Sabado.. and as always, i look forward to it.. so i started fixing up for work, at the same time trying to be positive for my day, and singing i love you Sabado, pati na rin Linggo.. hintay ka lang Jollibee nandyan na ko..

work was still pretty much the same. wala pa rin araw na dumadaan na wala akong lapses sa work ko.. and again, the fear of putting someone elses employment at risk continue to bother me.. everyday lapses.. i wonder if it is taking me so much time to learn things..

but what the heck, its Sabado.. bahala na si batman sa Tuesday.. ill continue my worries next week..

i went home looking forward for my afternoon plans.. im quite excited to see Berdeng Ibon.. i asked him to join me in my afternoon activity.. for a change, i thought that having someone with me around would make things lighter.. after all, its been like being on a silent retreat for the past weeks..

finally, the time has come for my feet to meet the oval again.. join me and my happy feet as we venture to another drift from life..

one-full-round (walking). i told myself that ill spend my energy with running to help keep me away from things that bother me. choosing this took me a lot of readiness, patience, and acceptance of what i have lost, and what i still have with me. warming up helped me prepare in starting another journey.
one-full-round, for the courage to start the quest to be whole again.

two-full-rounds. i have never completed a full run in the oval before.  amazingly, i was able to complete two rounds for my first set.  i dont know exactly where the energy and the drive is coming from. with just the goal to finish two rounds in my mind, i was able to reach my target.
two-full-rounds, for two memories of the past.

three-full-rounds. my legs were starting to be heavy.  i decided to stop and rest for a while.  and after feeling that i am ready for another flight, i set my pace and targeted for a plus-one-round.. my legs started to become more relaxed and i can sense that it is okay for me to continue and trust another round. i completed it and i realized i have improved my stamina.
three-full-rounds, for the third time she believed in magic, her undeclared asset.

four-full-rounds. i was thinking of going home already, but the urge to stay longer was totally inviting. i gave in and try for another set.  i was just targeting three rounds, but i can really feel the push to increase my capacity.  my legs were tired but at the same time, i was really finding comfort in running. heartbeats are getting faster.  i closed my eyes and find solace in my breathing.
four-full-rounds, to leave behind dancing and just conciously choose to run.

one-full-round. i had to slow down to finish the entire routine.  i breathe in tomorrow and breathe out the past. i breathe in my sources of strength and breathe out those that pull me down.  i breathe in my spirit and breathe out theirs. 
one-full-round, to be patient with myself as it is taking me a longer time but positively waiting for my next please..

i was telling Berdeng Ibon that i needed to run, after all its cardio exercise.. after all, it will be good for the heart.. my heart..  : )
 082810saturday

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

bigSIGH

sinong pipiliin mong makasama,
ang taong mahal mo (na hindi ka mahal),
o ang taong mahal ka (na hindi mo mahal)..
-endless love, 082510 episode-

oddWAYS

i made a really huge mistake with my work this morning.. so huge that it may have caused sudden unemployment to another.. good thing i have understanding superiors to back me off.. and hopefully, ill be totally saved..

Pusong Matapang told me that it may be odd ways ni Lord para mapansin ako sa workplace.. i got stunned after reading his text.. suddenly, i didnt know what to say.. more so, what to feel..

aaminin kong may tampo ako sa Kanya.. makapal man ang mukha ko, pero talaga, nagtatampo ako.. ok lang naman siguro yun di ba?

Im sorry, i just really dont understand..

082510wednesday

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

genuinelyPROUD

malayo man ako, know that i am truly proud of all of you..
Free Spirit, Brave Heart, Batang Bubuwit, Ibong Pipit, at si Ginintuang Puso..
just enjoy the experience.. meet new friends too..

sasabihin ng iba na competitive mode na naman ako.. di naman sa ganun,
ang lagi ninyo lang tandaan, you were given the opportunity to share yourself, kaya ibuhos din lahat..
if things dont work the way you want it to be, still be thankful that you had the opportunity to try it..

yah, i hope by that time, i will have the courage to see you..
and i hope this time, seeing someone from home would bring me smile rather than tears..
hay..

basta, my best wishes to all of you..
ngayon palang i am celebrating with you na..

082410tuesday

Monday, August 23, 2010

sweetSOLITUDE

malakas na naman masyado ang ulan kanina. dala ang aking payong, at kahit naka bistida ako, sumulong ako sa ulan para makauwi na. hindi kagaya ng ibang nakapayong, ako lang ata ang hindi nagmamadali sa aking paglalakad. i was savoring my walk under the rain.. wala akong pakialam sa lakas ng ulan. weird talaga dito, kahit ang lakas ng ulan, sa kabilang dulo ng langit, masisilayan ang sinag ng papalubog ng araw. how weird could that be.. ibang klase talaga ang experiences ko sa heavenly bodies dito..

while walking, i started to feel alone again.. alone but not really very sad (i am in a different level of sadness now).. for a change, i was trying to think of the perks of being alone here.. i was trying to review some of the things i enjoyed doing while in solitude (it is in full effort that i am trying to do this, because as clearwater said.. the little one would want me to be fine and happy as well..) .. let me give you some of the things i did in my new me-world which may come handy to you too...
  • aside from eating lunch alone, i walk.. and day dream..
  • take opportunities of free movies at shangrila during foreign film festivals (you just have to be patient with the ticket lines)..
  • watch free shows at the mall (e.g. korean singers visiting the country kahit di mo naiintindihan kanta nila)...
  • once i stayed, watched, and listened to a piano playing on its own.. (the grand pianos displayed sa malls).. the music was so soothing that i wanted to stay and ask someone to dance with me.. :)
  • watch that guy at toms world who dances everytime you throw in some coins..
  • watch teens who never get tired doing the dance revo..
  • find a corner at powerbooks and read the books you want (you can stay there the whole day, and just read)...
  • run (brisk walking the past weeks.. running in the comming days).. and breathe.. since most (if not all) people running come alone, you wont be bothered running all by yourself..
  • puntahan ang mga food stalls sa mrt stations na mahaba ang pila (malamang masarap ang tinda nila kaya dapat matikman mo rin - like the fried isaw)..
  • listen to people singing for free courtesy of the wow magic sing..
  • witness a wedding ceremony of someone you dont even know.. 
  • watch cos-plays sa mega mall (ienjoy ang mga weird pero creative na mga itsura ng mga characters in their full costumes and make up - they really look so nice).. you can have photo ops as well..
  • makiosyoso sa mga competitions sa mall (e.g. the first tamiya race - those little cars were really great)..
  • ienjoy ang mga moments na nawawala ka sa area.. kapag nainis ka, give yourself the liberty na mag mura.. :)
  • hawakan ang sariling kamay at kausapin ang sarili, tumingala sa langit at piliting ngumiti..
  • magbasa at mag sulat lang ng blog kasi wala ka ngang makausap.. :)


malungkot mag isa.. pero nakakasanayan ko na.. ang totoo, nagugustuhan ko na din ito.. sa ngayon kasi, hindi ko pa rin makita sarili ko na bumubuo ng bagong mga relasyon.. tama na muna sa akin ito.. okay na ko sa lagay na to...




082310monday

Sunday, August 22, 2010

runningMYA

remember the movie Forrest Gump when he was being bullied by his friends and Jane told him to run?
.. run Forrest.. run... and so he ran..


my friend Aquaman told me before i left home that whenever i feel down, the best way to do is just run.. he said that the best way to address sudden changes, loneliness, and even pain is to do some running..


i am thinking of doing his advice..
ill run and ill keep running for my loss, my pains and solitude, and even my dreams..
ill run and ill keep running until my heart tells me that it is okay to stop running..




run Mya.. run...


082210sunday

disappearingSUN



i would runaway,
i would runaway,
i would runaway with you..


082210sunday

Saturday, August 21, 2010

rememberingHOME

i was still in deep sleep this morning when suddenly i felt a tiny hand embracing me.  i noticed it was jm, my sisters little girl.  she laid down beside me and hugged me. it was surprising since its actually our first time to meet.  we werent even introduced yet.

still feeling too sleepy, i just took her hand to signal that it was okay to hug me.  she responded further by filling in the spaces of my fingers with hers. little hand... little fingers..

the feeling all seemed too familiar.. i was having the feelings of two different worlds i used to have.. its been a couple of days already since i managed to flash a genuine smile..
it really felt good.. before she left, she gave me a
kiss on the cheek and a quick hug..

i remember the days...
i can only remember...





082110saturday

Friday, August 20, 2010

sleepingPILLS

maraming nangyari sa ilang araw na nakalipas. may mga dumating at binigay na biglang binawi; may mga nandyan na pero pilit na pinapalayo; may mga kumakatok pero pinag sasarahan ng pinto; at may mga patuloy na nananatili at handang maghintay.

mahirap pa rin sa akin ang bawat araw na dumadaan.  and just when im learning to live my new life, new forms of losing come again.  hindi ko talaga maintindihan. how can life be too unfair? why do i feel that life is being mean to me?

in moments like these, i can only continue gazing at the horizon in front of me.. gaze blankly.. lost in space..
and listen to my playlist..

boats and birds. you still hurt me. rythm of the rain. problem of pain. stupid memory. lullabye.
not like the movies. streets of heaven. my hands are shaking. we feel alone. marshmallow spaceship. the man who cant be moved. sleep on needles.  so this is goodbye. i dont feel it anymore.
i love the rain the most. heartbeats. aliens and rainbows. rain. fields of gold. find my way back home. heaven needs a hero. after afterall. if you would come back home.

if only the music can bring me to a trance...



hope and faith are just like letters randomly put together into something meaningless -
 words only for fairytales.
-dave pelzer-

082010friday

Thursday, August 19, 2010

emptyHOPE


i'm fighting back the tears as he fights for his life.
well, it must be kind of crowded,
on the streets of heaven.
so tell me: what do you need him for?
don't you know one day he'll be your little boy forever.
but right now i need him so much more.
Lord, don't you know he's my angel
you got plenty of your own
lord, i know once you've made up your mind,
there's no use in beggin'.
so if you take him with you today, will you make sure he looks both ways,
and would you hold his hand when he crosses the streets of heaven.
the streets of heaven.

-a mothers song/a mothers cry-
081910thursday

Monday, August 16, 2010

afterALL



and after all that weve been through
i will make it up to you, i promise you
and after all that weve said and done
youre just a part of me i cant let go
-song playing sa stereo ng jeep on my way home-

081610monday

stainedWINGS

our laundry area is quite limitted in terms of space. because of that, we set our schedules to take turns in doing the laundry. mine is during fridays or saturday nights. 

last saturday though, i came home too tired so i decided to do my laundry the following day.  however, my sister suggested na ibabad ko na ang mga lalabhan ko.. and so, i gathered my stuff and put it sa planggana with soap and water..

after taking my lunch the next day, and while watching kiterunner,  i decided to do my laundry.. TOINKS.. holding a newly bought white blouse, i saw the hundred islands of the philippines in purple.. DAMN!! i suddenly remember my laundry 101 lesson in my home economics class.. DOUBLE DAMN!! that was a new blouse i bought last weekend, and i have only used it once.. TRIPLE DAMN! that could have been equal to 4 good meals. QUADRUPLE DAMN! while trying to scrub away the purple stain, a tiny voice in my head was whispering childishly.. didnt i tell you not to wear that purple thing.. did i not tell you it would be a bad idea to wear that purple blouse.. you silly girl.. now what?

while on my way home tonight, walking in the rain, at natapilok na naman, i cannot help but think of that purple stain.. a piece of myself continued to wonder why i forgot to separate the white blouse with the purple blouse.. it could have been a very simple laundry case..

hai.. i just thought,
sometimes, just when you start to learn to do your baby steps, or you start to trust your wings to prepare for your next big flight,
things can just change again.. twists can come like pop ups and greet you with a surprise.. or sometimes, they can come like pinches to your heart and soul..

just when you thought you are starting to bounce back,
life can give you more surprises..

and then you wonder again, you ask again..
what is the meaning of all these..
can heaven just spare me please..

081610monday

Sunday, August 15, 2010

mysticWAITING

wacthing hachiko for the third time..

i remembered Braveheart sharing his thoughts about the movie. Ronnie said that the movie was about loyalty. Braveheart considered it as love and waiting.

borrowing his words, waiting is hoping.. but hoping is not always waiting. hachiko waited.. its not merely hoping because waiting entails more than just hoping..

Braveheart mentioned that he too wants to be like hachiko.. that he learns to also wait and hope.. but more than that,
he also wishes to have someone who could do the same for him..

wait and hope.
wait.

081510sunday

Saturday, August 14, 2010

doubleMEANINGS

she had been silent since she entered the office. the lrt ride even brought her to thoughts of the other world. being up the ride seemed not enough to focus on her now-world.  barely there. barely present.

people coming in and out the office failed to divert her thoughts. she was making temporary ids for project employees. holding the ruler with her left and a small cutter in her right, she smoothly slid the blade to cut the patterns.  thoughts were still drifting. names and faces came like flashcards.

its bleeding, she heard a voice. she realized a cut from her thumb.  its bleeding, repeated the voice. i know, she answered (not refering to the wound, but to her heart).

go to the clinic and have it treated added another voice. its nothing, it will heal on its own (she answered, her thoughts were actually about her life). 

but the cut is quite big, it surely is painful they said. it is painful. you can never describe the pain, she ended (they were still refering to the wound, but her answers were intended for something else). 




one older mate added,
malayo yan sa bituka, kaya niya yan.

she looked at her and tried to flash a smile.
opo, maghihilom din po ito (sabay ang isang buntong hininga).



081010saturday

sweetDREAMS

tonight,
i pray
please God
have good dreams
come my way

i want to see the the colors of the night
meeting dawn

ang luha ng bukang liwayway
sa mga dahon ng bulaklak

the mountains
as it welcomes the sun

ang amoy ng sinangag
daing at itlog na maalat

i want to dream of children
with the sound of their giggles and their sweetest smiles

ang tinig ng mga batang
walang sawang magbahagi ng mga kwento nila

dream of tunasetti and rocky road freeze
of long talks and lifes mussings

gusto kong managinip na yakap ang hangin
kasama ang mga buntonghiningang masaya at malalim

the feel of sand touching my feet
sandcastles, shells, beaches, cottages and tong its

ang tunog ng piano at gitara
pati na rin ang tinig ni Musika

of running with the wind
and floating freely with the waves

counting and waiting some more
holding on but also moving on

gusto kong managinip na ipipikit ko ang mata
kasama ang pag asa na darating na siya

of sunshines and daisies, dandelions and rain
of mylight and i smiling like without traces of pain

dreamcatchers up my bedside
i beg thee please please

081310friday

amazingGRACE

i am starting to have my daily routine. unti-unti na kong nasasanay sa mga dapat kong gawin sa araw-araw. but lately, i realized that i have yet too many things i have to learn and unlearn.

para kay yellowcab:
  • dont choose efficiency over service so you wont be reprimanded;
  • dont say no i cannot find it even if you already tried looking a zillion times;
  • keep your observations to yourself first; then study the crowd;
  • dont ride the jeepney thinking they are all going to the same place so that you wont be lost again;
  • know what is around you so that you will know from the start that you are just in one place at paikot-ikot ka lang;
  • dont ask about people who can make you sad;
  • or better yet, dont ask at all;
  • or best, do not meet with people from home when you are not ready;
  • dont ride the mrt listening to the same music over and over so you wont make people wonder why you are crying;
  • bring a book all the time so that you have company during lunch;
  • find a way to avoid footbridges so you both wont get too tired;
  • read books. and next time, choose the books well;
  • pray that next time you get another resume, it wont be a name too familiar (for heavens sake, 2 similar names last week; and 1 this week; how unfair can the day be);
  • stop staring across while eating dinner, just eat and enjoy the food;
  • continue talking and singing for your light, soon.. things will be a lot better..
i still have a lot of big sighs everyday.. and i still have moments when i feel that a lot of things are so absurd..
Pilyong Querobin said that these are omens..
Unseen Asset said that iba ang hinahanap ng puso at hinahanap ng mata..
I say its not funny at all.. can heaven just spare me with these things... i get it na.. really..

081310friday

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

literallyFIGURATIVE

lunchtime081010

eating at my favorite fast food chain, alone. - simplixiety-

            eating sa corner ko, alone (figuratively) - yellowcab-

                                                                              eating alone, literally. - the Boss-

three different individuals, doing the same thing.
three different places, with the same time.

paulit ulit na sinasabi na ang lahat daw ng bagay sa mundo may ka pares.
kutsara at tinidor.
papel at lapis.
pinto at bintana.
dingdong at marianne.
toothpaste at toothbrush.

dalawang tenga.
mata, kamay, at paa.


naiisip ko yung blog ni Braveheart about solemate, at pati na din ang soulmates.
paano kaya kung nasa ibang dako ng mundo ang ka pares ng kaluluwa natin?
paano ninyo mahahanap ang isat isa?
kailangan ba talagang magtagpo para masabing kumpleto ang naging buhay mo?

paano kung may isang yellowcab din sa northpole?
kumakain din kaya siyang mag isa lagi pag lunchtime,
o nakikinig ngayon sa not like the movies ni kc?


081010tuesday

Sunday, August 8, 2010

bestMOVES

appletheas blog kept me thinking the whole night. the words goodbye and letting go left a big blow in my heart.



goodbye.
is there an easy way to utter the word?
a way where one need not leave a tear for another
is it possible to even speak the word if we are still loving?
or is there even a way to say it in such case..
when do we say goodbye?
when do we know it is time?

letting go.
what do we let go in the first place?
are these the pictures, letters and other stuff collected?
are these the memories kept in the treasure box of the soul?
does it even include the hope that the heart continues to whisper?
when do we let go?
when do we know it is time?
do we let go even if the heart tells us otherwise?


moving on.
how do we really move on?
what does it entail to do such?
how long does it take for a heart to learn to embrace the present?
how far can the soul go for another round?
can we move on if we are still loving?
when do we know we are moving on?
when do we know we are ready to move on?

one can say goodbye, even if she chooses not to let go.
one can say i am letting go, even if moving on will not be an option at all.
one can say i am moving on, wtihout the need of saying goodbye and even letting go.

other people say all three should come together. they say that it is not possible for one soul to be whole again, or for a heart to learn to trust again if one move is missing. 

i say it is possible. it is always possible.
because true love can always say goodbye without not giving up on love.
true love can choose not to let go but at the same time it is moving on.
true love can move on without saying goodbye and letting go.

others might still say that only the martyrs do that. only fools will choose to do that.
i say it is not easy at all. but i will keep saying it is always possible.

080710sunday

howeverWHICHWAY

(lifted from appletheas blog entry 080610)


there is a difference between goodbye and letting go
GOODBYE is I'll see you again when I'm ready to hold your hand and you're ready to hold mine
LETTING GO is I'll miss your hand but I realized it's not mine to hold and will never hold it again.


i asked myself:
in what situations goodbye is the option?
in what circumstances letting go is the solution?



for a
confused mind
broken heart
withered spirit
rejected soul

will there ever be a better option between goodbye and letting go
when hope is an enemy and the closest ally?

(comment ni yellow cab)..

goodbye and letting go..
just like

letting go and moving on..
are actually not the same when we talk about confused minds, broken hearts, withered spirits, and rejected souls..

better option?
right choice?

meron nga ba nun pag dating sa mga nabanggit na kalagayan?

i think there is,
but only through the help of time..

saying goodbye,
choosing to let go,
deciding to move on,

all these should be friends with time..
because it is only through time that

mind will start to clear
heart will start to heal
spirit will start to grow
soul will start to believe

and when we speak of hope

true,
its both an enemy and the closest ally,

still,
it has a big role to play
in making the options
to give way to the solutions

question is,
is the mind open?
is the heart brave enough?
is the spirit willing?
is the soul ready?

again,
only through time..


080710saturday

securityBLANKET

hindi ko maintindihan ang araw na ito. hindi ko alam kung tama ang naging pasya. mas lalo ko lang atang binukas sarili ko sa kalungkutan.

pakiramdam ko, ang tanga tanga ko. alam mo yung feeling na parang hindi ka natututo sa mga desisyon na tingin mo nagkamali ka? ganun ang sinasabi ng utak ko ngayon.

gusto kong tumakbo ngayon at sumiksik na lang sa isang sulok. yung walang gagambala sa akin at hahayaan akong maging tahimik at malaya sa nararamdaman. yung sulok na handang samahan ka sa kahit anong paraan.

buti na lang may mga natatakbuhan ako sa mga oras na ganito.
yung mga sulok na kahit malayo, ramdam mo na malapit pa din.
mga sulok na pagkukunan ko ng lakas para patuloy na maniwala na darating ang tamang oras para sakin.

seth.
pilyong querobin.
braveheart.
freespirit.
unseen asset.
munting tinig.
via yang.
berdeng ibon.
maputlang seraphim.
masayahing bubuwit.
fine china.
bolang de kanto.
urbanmis.
family feud.

salamat at andyan kayo.

080610saturday

Friday, August 6, 2010

rubicsCUBE

how many sides are there in a cube?
if each side would represent a chapter of your life, what would those chapters be?
what colors would constitute your cube?
what would each color mean?

kanina ko pa nilalaro itong rubics cube, kahit kelan talaga hindi ako nakabuo.
hindi ko alam kung sadyang mahina lang ang utak ko para makumpleto ko ang proseso.

no matter how much i tried to figure things out, i have never had the chance to complete it.
i cannot help but associate my life with the cube. i was having the feeling that inspite of holding the cube with gentleness and hope, it remains unfinished. inspite of the many times i tried, i still cannot understand why i dont get it.

but what is really interesting is that after all the giving up of playing with it, i still find myself trying everytime i get to see a rubics cube in front of me. and even if i dont really know if ill be successful in this game, i feel that i will keep on turning the sides.. maybe because of the colors, or maybe, it is also the hope that in time i will have my chance to complete everything; or even just one side of the cube.


080610friday
(after spending 15 precious minutes with a rubics cube)

trafficLIGHTS


go.
pumunta sa malayo at makasama ang dagat.
mahiga sa buhangin at ngitian ang gabi.
sumayaw muli kahit mag isa.
tumakbo na magaan ang pakiramdam.
yakapin ng buong buo ang ngayon at bukas.
ready.
ihahanda ang sarili para mas maging maayos ang lahat.
hayaan ang oras na hilumin ang kahapon.
buuin ang nasirang tiwala at lakas para sa mga bagong pagtaya.
stop.
sa matulin na paglalakad para mas makahinga.
ang hayaan ang araw na binibisita ng lungkot.
patakbuhin ang utak na nagpapaalala ng umpisa at wakas.

kung isang malungkot na tibok ang titingin, makikita nya ang bilis ng pagbabago ng bawat ilaw.
kung isang masayang tibok ang titingin, makikita nya ang bawat pagkakataon na ibinigay sa kanya.
kung isang umaasang tibok ang titingin, makikita nya ang sarili na handang maghintay sa pagbabago at bukas.


anong kulay ng ilaw ang meron ka ngayon?
anong kulay ng  ilaw ang inaasam mo ngayon?

080610friday
(nabuo habang nasa traffic pa cubao)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

myasELLIPSIS

i would take the stars out of the sky for you
stop the rain from falling if you asked me to.
i'd do anything for you
your wish is my command
i could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand.

words cannot express how much you mean to me.
there must be some other way to make you see.
if it takes my heart and soul
you know I'd pay the price.
everything that I possess I'd gladly sacrifice.

oh you to me are everything
the sweetest song that I could sing
oh baby
oh baby
to you I guess I'm just a clown
who picks you up each time you're down
oh baby
oh baby

you give me just a taste of love
to build my hopes upon.
you know you've got the power boy
to keep me holding on.
so now you've got the best of me
come on and take the rest of me
oh baby

though you're close to me
we seem so far apart.
maybe given time you'll have a change of heart.
if it takes forever
boy then I'm prepared to wait.
the day you give your love to me won't be a day too late

oh you to me are everything.
the sweetest song that I could sing.
oh baby
oh baby
to you I guess I'm just a clown
who picks you up each time you're down
oh baby
oh baby



you give me just a taste of love
to build my hopes upon.
you know you've got the power boy
to keep me holding on.

080410wednesday

goodLOL

sobrang overwhelming para akin na magawa lahat ng expectations sa trabaho. dahil bago ako sa sistema, nararamdaman ko talaga ang hirap. para akong nangangapa sa dilim.

para matulungan ko sarili ko, like i always do, inoorasan ko sarili ko sa bawat task na ginagawa ko. sa paraan na iyon, i get to push myself to reach the goal. pero kagaya ng bawat pag asam sa mga pangarap natin, may mga oras na hindi natin iyon nasusunod; di natin nakukuha.

may isang bahagi ng trabaho ang hirap na hirap akong makuha. i nearly gave up, pero hindi ko tinigilan kasi alam kong hindi ako matatahimik.

then finally, YEY! nakuha ko na rin.. napasigaw ako kanina sa tuwa. and surprisingly, yung mga kasamahan ko sa office seemed to find that weird..parang nagulat sila sa naging reaction ko.. then they started laughing too..

natawa ako dun kasi ibang iba ang mundong ginagalawan ko ngayon. hindi kagaya ng kinagisnan na pwede kang tumawa ng malakas; o kumanta; kahit mag headbang nagagawa ko. pero dito, seryoso ang mga tao; tahimik magtrabaho; bawat galaw mo parang dapat maingat ka.

hindi ako sanay.

gusto ko mag overtime kasi marami ngang gagawin. pero hindi pwded dahil malayo pa ang uuwian. sa pagmamadali ko, pang lalake palang c.r. ang napasukan ko. nakailang hakbang na ako sa loob bago ko naisip na mali ang napasukan kong c.r. paglabas ko, pati mga tao sa labas tumatawa.

sumali na ko sa pagtawa nila.
and surprisingly,
laughing out loud made me feel good.

laughing at myself made me feel good.

i just realized,
miss ko na palang tumawa ng bonggang bongga.

haiy..

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

likeREFLEX

kapag nabigkas/nakanta ko na ang Ama Namin na nakabukas ang kanang palad ko, iisa lang ang ibig sabihin nun..


handa na kong tumalon sa talampas kahit wala akong parachute..

080310tuesday

Monday, August 2, 2010

simplyBRAVE

for braveheart and simplixiety..

being honest with myself is the best gift i can give myself.. kaya kahit mahirap, lulunukin ko.. kahit mabagal, pagtyatyagaan ko..


dahil hindi lang ito para sa akin..

so dont worry about me.. instead, be happy kasi nararamdaman ko ito.. at alam ko,kakayanin ko..


meanwhile..
just read with me..
write with me..
look forward with me..

and so i say..
thank you for sticking around..

070210monday

tabulaRAZA

hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. hindi ko alam kung galit ako, nasasaktan, nalulungkot o nagsisisi. hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang gusto kong isipin. kung pipilitin ko bang yakapin ang mga nalaman ko, o hahayaan na lang na ilipad ng hangin ang lahat ng ito.

ipipikit ko ang mga mata ko ngayon. ilalabas ko ang sama ng loob sa bawat buntong hininga. pipilitin kong ngumiti at umaasang darating na ang araw na hinihintay ko.

sa ngayon, gusto ko lang matulog na hindi ko pinakikinggan ang awit ng puso ko. konting panahon pa, lalaya din ito. at sa araw iyon, magpapasalamat pa rin ako sa langit. dahil kahit anong mangyari, alam kong hindi lang nagkataon ang lahat sa buhay ko. binigay yun sa akin, at inalaggan ko ng buong puso.

070210monday

Sunday, August 1, 2010

gamePLAN

tonight was the game 6 for the pba semis between bmeg and san miguel. san miguel won.. i was expecting it actually (sorry Seth, it was really our game tonight..)..

although i wanted to savor the victory, i am celebrating it halfheartedly. somewhere out there, Clearwater is feeling sad..

side by side my thoughts on Clearwater, i cannot help but also have my thoughts on James Yap..  seeing him missed his three point shots and even his two free throws was devastating.. i can see and feel the frustration and sadness in his eyes.. not making it to the finals would (probably) give him the feeling of how life can really be mean and cruel at times.. alam mo yung feeling na nakipag hiwalay na nga sayo yung mahal mo, malayo ka na nga sa anak mo, tapos eto pa, yung isa pang nagbibigay halaga sa buhay mo, sumablay pa.. yung tipong, ayan na sana, pero di pa rin binigay sayo ng langit.. iniisip ko lang, malungkot siyang matutulog ngayong gabi..

bigsigh.. you know what i am also thinking right now?  i am thinking, really it is true when they say that when it rains, it pours.. and it really pours hard... damn it...life may really suck at times..

san miguel won tonight.. they still have to fight for the grand prize.. it is still anybodys game..

and like life,
we get/commit fouls (offensive or defensive);
we may get injured along the way;
we may be one of the benchwarmers at some points;
we may have the greatest or worst play offs;
or if we get lucky, be the pog or the mvp;

we can never be sure what is in store for us ahead..
like the blue moon,
not everyone gets a free throw..

i believe,
what matters then is how we played the game..
that will spell the difference..


(borrowing via yangs).. bilog ang bola..
bilog ang buwan..


080110sunday

lonelyPLANET


i actually started my day with much enthusiasm.. i was set to go to ultra to breathe some fresh air and take a walk, have my long awaited swim at the 32nd floor.. and have a good breakfast.. and yes, i was able to do all that.. i enjoyed every minute i had.. i thanked God for it..

i started the walk round the oval with the sight of the moon above me (it was again a surprise to the moon in the area).. i smiled with the sight of it.. and i knew that my heart was jumping for joy too.. its been three weeks since i arrived here.. i told myself i will swim once i feel that things are starting to unfold.. having that feeling, i finally had my first splash this morning.. brekfast was really great.. i very seldom have them.. but because i felt that i started the day right, i thought that a good breakfst would top it all.. i had sunny side up, pandesal, and milk.. yes, i had sunny side up instead of my usual scrambbled eggs..

at this very moment though, i can feel a certain emtpiness inside me.. i feel so alone.. hindi ko alam kung literally feeling ko mag isa ako dahil tulog silang lahat, o dahil talagang nalulungkot lang ako..

i can feel my eyes getting teary right now.. i just miss home so much..

gusto kong mag sorry sa mga taong kasama ko dito sa bahay.. pakiramdam ko, hindi ko nabibigyang halaga ang pinapakita nilang pagtanggap sa akin.. pakiramdam ko hindi ko nabibigyang halaga ang pagyakap na ginagawa nila para mapagaan lahat ang mga dinadaanan kong pagbabago..

i wish i can just tell my heart to really stop feeling sad.. if only i can make all things fall right in their respective places instantly.. sana ganun lang kadali..

tomorrow is going to be a new day for me.. i can only hope more..

080110sunday