fiveCANDLES

remembering jars of clay...

a promise or a dare
i would jump if i knew you'd catch me

staring over the edge

i can't tell if you'll be here for me

i close my eyes and make a wish

turn out the lights and take a breath
pray that when the wick is burned

you would say that it's all about love

you were there when i needed you

you were there when the skies broke wide, wide open

you were there when i needed you

you were there when the skies broke wide, wide open

you were never here

i can't see the promise of
excuses you fall upon
i pray to God not holding on
to things you've left undone

073010friday

flippingCOINS

black or white.
right or left.
tread or float.
choice or option.
hold on or let go.
stay or move on.
love or be indifferent.
hope or give up.
talk or shut up.
risk or be a coward.

decisions. decisions.

for all its worth, we are called to choose everyday. and in this choosing, it is with all hopes that we make the best decision. or that we made the choice and did not just settle for an option.

for some people, decisions are more than challenges.  choosing isnt just about going right or left, but it is also knowing and exploring probably the in-betweens.  and yet for some, even when all else is laid down already, decisions remain in absence.  in such cases, it is either the person is just too scared to decide, or still maybe, just too selfish to embrace just one world.  whether it is fear or mere selfishness, at the end of the day, decisions become inevitable.

my friend, Scared Crow is confronted with a situation where he needs to make probably the biggest decision of his life.  as much as he wants to have both worlds, he knows that choosing is the only best thing to do.  either he becomes a coward or he continues to be selfish until he makes up his mind.  he pulled up a coin in his pocket and flip it in the air.

an Old Man once said that flipping coins to come up with a decision is only being done by idiot teenagers.  sharing that thought to him, he smiled and said..

do you know whats amazing about flipping coins? it is the truth that once you flip the coin, while your eyes are set on it as it goes up the air.. while time seems to be in slow motion.. you already know in your heart what you really want just before the coin even find its rest on your palm.. that while the coin is making its turns, you know too well already what your heart is really whispering.

then again..

as the coin rests on your palm,
another call to decide arises,
that is whether you will listen to your heart, or if the coin tells otherwise, go on a different way.

then probably,

you will see yourself flipping the coin again...

hopeFLOATS

once there was a girl named Adia. for most of her life, she lived surrounded by more than what a family can offer.  she was loved and was given all the comforts she can get.  although she was practically receiving all the comforts of home, she also grew up to be strong-willed, kind hearted, and brave.  she grew up not being scared of anything. everything was just at the right places, right time, right hands.

she had everything, not until one day..

she learned that wounds are starting to develop in her heart. the wounds were starting to eat up her heart.  it was taking long for the wounds to heal, thats why she decided to see a doctor.  she pleaded for a new heart, clean, shining, healthy.. totally brand new.  she wanted the transplant very soon.  the doctor thought otherwise.  he was insisting that her heart will function well in time.  a transplant wasnt necessary.

Adia fought the sickness.  she felt that the beating can stop anytime.  each day became a battlefield.  each day was a struggle to survive.  she kept fighting, like treading water for her life.

one night, in her favorite dwelling place, she begged God to show up.  She implored for His presence, flesh and blood.

God, knowing very well every scar of her heart appeared to her, sat beside her, took her hand and waited for her to speak.

adia felt the warmth of His presence. she was scared, but she knew that she will be alright.  with head bowed down she spoke: you gave me everything.. when everyone else thought that they cannot have everything, i knew from the start that its the other way for me.  i have been treading all my life to take care of what you have given me.  i have been treading every step of the way to fight this battle, but why these scars? why my heart? i tread the waters to appreciate life, but why give me more waves..?

God held her face with His hands.  He stared at her eyes which was filled with tears.  have you not thought of stopping to tread and just allow the waves to take you to another shore?  have you not thought of just allowing the waters comfort you in the way they know best and know how?

stop treading Adia.. just float.

float and hope that in time you will be surprised to see yourself in another shore. and then you will realize, that yes, a new heart was not necessary.  your heart will be fine, and will be good as new.

stop treading Adia, just float.

072510saturday
(busride going home)


ps. while in a bus going home with Seth, i shared to him this story.. he made clarifications which eventually made me do some revisions.. so, here it is Seth, thank you for making the story better..

persistentRAIN

treking a long road
everything looks familiar and known
its the road to home
the road to where my heart is

from the bus seat
i see the moon brightly shinning
in its far distant is the only star around
both, the moon and star, shinning on their solitude

the skies are both dark and lighted
dark and light seems to be sharing one unique moment
everything was peaceful
the night was quiet, i continue to listen to my hearbeat

then comes the rain
so persistent to fall inspite of the desires of the moon and star to shine,
inspite of the peace that the skies are communicating,
the rain, so persistent like a love that is unconditional

more droplets continue to fall
from outside my window, water is falling down like silver strings
long, silver, shining strings.. becoming heavier strings..
so persistently hard, like love wanting to embrace eternity

it continued..
yet the skies remained like unrippled bliss and stillness
the moon stayed on, like an assurance, a promise, and a vow
the star lingered, once in a while struggling from the clouds

who becomes more persistent then?
was it the moon, the star?
the skies?
or was it the rain?



whoever was,
the scene spoke of truth
the distance was enough

far enough for a struggling breath
to know whats on the palm right now
more than enough for a hoping heart
to know if it can take another sigh

072510saturday
(busride going home)

brightLIGHT

i had to sleep early last night to have enough rest. before sleeping though, i whispered a prayer.. in my heart was a special wish to see my Brightest Light.. my Bestest Dance.. without any further hope or agenda, i really just wanted to see him..

around 11.30 pm, i was awaken from my sleep. that's the problem i have everytime i go to bed earlier than my usual bedtime.  several minutes were spent tossing and turning because i was having a hard time going back to sleep. suddenly, a very bright light was shinning on my face. i was getting annoyed by it, wondering where it was coming from. i knew there wasn't a lampost in the area, besides we were on the 16th floor.. i continued to keep my eyes closed.. the curtain was being blown by the air coming from outside the window.. the ray of bright light continued to shine on my face.. as if telling me to open my eyes..

and so i did..

and right before my eyes was the most amazing sight i have ever seen over the past weeks..

it was the moon..
he was shinning so bright..
and his luminance was like spotlight all directed on me..

i got up so quickly and went to the window area..
hai2..
it was so beautiful, so majestic..
i can feel my heart dancing..

there was absence of stars..
it was all about the moon..


i knew i was not dreaming..
i cannot stop but think that it was a good sign for me..

nakita ko ang lalake sa buwan..
at alam kong masaya siya..

i closed my eyes smiling..

will you dance with me please..

072410saturday

simpleJOYS

being in a new place certainly is hard.. everything seems like a foreign object.. every corner looks unknown.. everyone is like a stranger...

but there are also a lot of moments i celebrate with great joy.. events which allow me to appreciate simple joys..here are some simple joys i'd love to share with you..

• riding the mrt with so much anxiety and in the end being able to get out of it still breathing..
• always getting out in the wrong mrt exits and still able to locate the right destinations..
• one time after buying lrt tiket, i heard someone shouting.. "ate nikki, ate nikki".. and guess what, it's bogs..
• on my way to a job interview, our eyes suddenly caught each other, both surprised, approached each other, then hugged.. it's noel...
• security guards, mmda officers, and traffic officers.. my new forms of angels without wings.. (i always ask directions from them..)..
• my sisters being so patient locating my destinations through google earth and maps..
• everyday text messages from seth..
• surprise text messages from friends..
• everyday calls from home..
• witnessing weddings at st. francis church every saturday..
• the sight of my artificial moon..
• meeting co-applicants (kahit alam kong mga kalaban ko sila sa certain position, i always find myself talking to all of them..)..
• one time, while there was rotational brownout, i decided to stay along the corridor of 16th floor to read a book, after some of those living in the area noticed that, they started to stay along the corridors to do other stuff (2 children decided to play outside, 1 girl also decided to read, 2 teens studied their lessons, etc..).. very nice..

bigsigh.. the list can actually go on..

i just realized that, even if i am really having a very hard time adjusting to the changes,
i know and feel that heaven is working with me, in me..

 

i badly miss home,
but right now,
i am embracing this new home..

072310friday

miORI

be brave little one

make a wish for each sad little tear

hold your head up though no one is near

someone's waiting for you

don't cry little one

there'll be a smile for a frown used to be

there'll be a part of the love that you see

someone's waiting for you

always keep a little prayer in your pocket
and you're sure to see the light
soon there'll be joy and happiness
and your little world will be bright

have faith little one
feel your hopes and your wishes come true
you must try to be brave little one
someone's waiting to love you


072210thursday

buhayCONDO

i am not yet used to the kind of life condo units offer. it just seems too impersonal.  its like living in world where you don't know anybody except your housemates. and so, i thought i needed to observe the people moving in and out the 16th floor.. in 2 weeks time, here are some of the things i have gathered (and they're pretty much interesting too..).. let's have them one room at a time..

rm1601. the room just in front of the elevator area. a family stays there, at dun din nakatira yung babaeng nakaaway ng kapatid ko kasi hindi marunong magtapon ng basura sa tamang lalagyan.

rm1621. all girls ang nakatira dito. magaganda at mababait. yung lang alam ko.

rm1623. feeling ko, matagal ng hindi umuuwi ang nakatira doon. kasi kung umuuwi sila, malamang tinanggal na nila yung post it (reminder sa dues nila) na nakadikit sa door nila.

rm1620. here lives a typical young professional lady. uuwi sya in her uniform (parang working in a bank) and then after ilang minutes, lalabas na naka short-shorts to maybe go out with her friends.

rm1619. pamilya din nakatira dun. may isang dalaga na parang nag papart time modeling. meron din dalawang kids, a boy and a girl. if you'd look at them, sila yung tipong sabik na sabik makipag laro sa labas. i noticed that when they saw a kid next door din.

rm1618. pamilya din nakatira doon. pero meron silang lola na parang mahal na mahal nila.

rm1617. may mag asawang may isang makulit na anak na lalake. with the lifestyle they have, parang feeling ko wala na silang balak magka anak uli. one time, nung may rotational brown out dito, yung guy nag stay sa fire exit area (kasi may generator dun) para lang makapag facebook.

rm1615. ah, interesting ito. all guys nakatira dito.. o baka may gay din. may talent manager at may talents. you'd hear them singing in the wee hours.. nag papractice ata nga songs and dances for tv stints. hmm.. mukhang friendly naman sila (they said "hi" one time to me)..

rm1614.. and unang rum na nakikita ko papunta sa room namin. i always have deep sighs once i turn this corner (that's because the number brings me memories of home).. anyway,  1614..bachelor ang nakatira dito. he's working at san miguel, probably in sales. so malamang busy sya kasi grabe sya mag pa laundry. marami sya lagi dala kapag nag pipick up sya laundry niya. at kamukha niya si kris.. (kris villanueva)..

for the rest of the people here sa 16th floor, wala pa akong alam. malamang, kung pati other side ng floor na ito nalaman ko mga buhay buhay nila, super tsismosa na talaga ako.

anyway, i just want to give you a picture of my world right now.. seems a bit reserved i guess.. seems a bit aloof..

welcome to condo life..

072210thursday

sourCHEESESTREUSSEL

it's wednesday, so it's lovestorytelling time..
not an original, but just the same..
i made some things up..

go on now,
take your seats,
and listen very well..

once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a farm.  she was the typical farm-girl.. very plain, simple, and quite careless. but at the same time, she is also known for her kindness and her warmth for the people in her town.

and then there was the prince.  he, of course lives in the castle.  he's known for his good looks, and smart thinking.  he excels in all things he does.  he has a lot of talents.  he was also famous for his dashing smile and his deep-seated eyes. on the other hand, not a lot of people are comfortable with his presence. most people in and outside the castle saw him as an aloof, distant, indifferent, and cold prince.

one day, the farm people were having a community meal.  the prince, together with his royal super friends, decided to come and join in the festivity.  upon arrival, the prince shared a table with the farm-girl.  as the farm-girl saw the prince, her world started to move in slow-motion.  the farm-girl felt it so strange.  the feelings were new to her.  she felt happy and excited.  she felt that her heart was dancing. the face of the prince was the most beautiful face she had ever seen.

because the farm-girl was too busy staring at the prince, she did not notice that she was putting ketchup on her cheesestreussel.  that caught the attention of the prince. and so the prince asked the farm-girl how the cheesestreussel taste with ketchup on it.  the farm-girl being so surprised and caught off guard blurted out "it's sweet, and it's the bestest in the world".. and because she got more tensed, she started to speak so many things that she was not aware of.  the farm girl said: "it's the bestest taste in the world.. i always remember home and love everytime i eat it.. i always feel complete.. strange but true.." (of course, what the prince did not know was that, the farm-girl ate the cheesestreussel with ketchup because she was just too nervous)..

the prince got so much interested with what he heard.  it drew him closer to the farm-girl.  he thought, "this girl is special.. i would love to get to know her more, and maybe fall in love with her.." and he did.. they fell in love, lived together, and they were very happy.

the prince loves the farm-girl very much.  in the mornings, he would always prepare the farm-girl's favorite cheesestreussel topped with ketchup.  and for so many years, the farm-girl ate every cheesestreussel with ketchup that the prince prepared for him.

on the 20th year of their marriage, the farm girl got ill, and eventually died.  in her treasure box was a letter for the prince.  in the letter, the farm girl told the prince a 20 year old lie.  she was saying sorry to the prince. she said that since the prince fell in love with her because of the ketchup story, she was too scared to admit that it was just a lie.  she said that even if the cheesestreussel with ketchup really tasted awful, she ate it everyday to show the prince how much she loves her as well. 

the prince, after reading the letter was so touched and happy at the same time.  he cried so hard because he misses the farm girl so much. since the death of his beloved, he would always prepare cheesestreussel with ketchup in the morning and eat it. 

everytime people would see him eat the cheesestreussel with ketchup, they would wonder and ask him how it tastes..  and the prince would always answer, "it's sweet, and it's the bestest in the world.."


072110wednesday

5thMOON..

5months.. then and now

..Then,

i opened my palms and let the sand fall.

i raised my hands to heaven and let the wind take my sighs.

i closed my eyes and listened to my heartbeats.
i breathe and whispered my hopes.
i sighed and tried to let go.


..Now,

i let go of a sigh and i hold on.

i am breathing and whispering my hopes.

i am closing my eyes and smiling for my heartbeats.
i am raising my hands to heaven and feeling the wind's embrace.
i am opening my palms and waiting for the spaces to be filled in again.

...Then,

it was setting free of Sweety's Bestest Best.

...Now,

it is saying hello to My Ori..My 5thmoon...


072010tuesday

vitaminDEFICIENCY

i think i'll experience vitatimin deficiency in the next days to come...
it's rainy season after all..



If it's going to be a rainy day

There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain


You're feeling like you've got no place to run
I can be your shelter 'til it's done
We can make this last forever
So please don't stop the rain

Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall
Please don't stop the rain


071910monday

theEXCEPTION

Pusong Matapang was sharing the other night how he wished for his life to be like the movies.  he mentioned that in movies, happy endings are always possible.  of course, i cannot let the night pass without reacting on it..

i told him that people's lives are practically like the movies.  people after all are the ones who wrote the scripts and the story lines.  where else do they get the inspiration of the things they write aside from their imaginations? it will probably be their experiences, or their personal wishes, or desires..

i also told him that every story deserves a happy ending.. happy endings may not be the typical "and they lived happily ever after" scenes.. rather, happy endings can be viewed in different viewpoints.. probably self discovery, a stronger person coming up out of the experience, of maybe just continuing to flap one's wings..

i asked Free Spirit awhile ago her opinion of happy endings. she said that it is something that communicates happiness in all angles.  apparently, she also mentioned that in all the complications going on around, happy endings may not be possible.  on the other hand, she remains hopeful about the idea.

surprisingly, i was able to watch a movie today which allowed me to ponder on happy endings even more. the movie was called he's just not into you.. the movie talks about how often girls were made to believe a lot of things like meeting prince charming, having their happy ever afters, waiting for the unexpected love story twists, or even having that breathtaking declaration of love..

the movie also highlighted how the man's brain operates when it comes to dating or keeping relationships.. one of the characters said that when a man doesn't give one a shit, he literally doesn't give one the shit.. that when a man wants to be with a girl, he will do whatever it takes to be with the girl.. he was saying that in the men's world, there is what they call the rule vs the exception..  (of course, every girl would want to be the exception...)

the story ended with more points to ponder on.. it says that girls are often too pasted on the thought of waiting for their happy endings that oftentimes they already forget to read the signs.. the signs of learning to tell who among the people around us want us or not, or those people who'll choose to stay or leave us..

in a more assuring note, the movie shared the same thought that i've always carried with me in my heart..
"maybe the happy ending doesn’t include a wonderful guy, maybe its you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over.. freeing yourself up for something better for the future.. maybe the happy ending is just moving on."

or still possibly,

"maybe it can be that after all the unreturned phonecalls, broken hearts, all the pain and the embarrassments, you never ever gave up hope.."

an Amazing Guy once told me, that love is about endless proportions, limitless possibilities, and beyond boundaries..

i'll always believe that.
unfortunately,
in my stories, i was just the rule.

but it doesn't matter.
i'll always have my exception.
he will be.

071810sunday

vitaminSETH

gudmorning.
HUGGG.
bus na. late na nga.
ingat ha?
kain na.
pauwi palang.
musta ka?
bus na.
may katabi ako.
kain palang.
nu gawa mo?
tv.
net and rubi.
gudnight.
hwag na sad.
toinks ka.
cge, no prob.
hwag malikot ok?
hawak kamay.
hugg.
2.

Rx.
all these..
enough to survive the day.

071710saturday

moonTALK

galing sa lumangBAUL
(mga koleksyon ng usapang buwan)
Hindi daw lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng 2nd chances, kaya kapag may pagkakataon ka.. you have to make sure daw that you give it your best shot.. you give it your all. Dahil kung hindi, you may have missed your only chance.. parang blue moon.. 050610MAYAngligaw

nakangiti ngayon ang buwan kahit malayo ang kanyang bituin sapat na hanggang tanaw na lamang basta magkasama pa rin sila sa isang kalawakan...
022010viayang

nakangiti ngayon ang buwan.. ano kaya ang hiwaga sa likod ng kanyang matamis na ngiti?
041710viayang

malapit na naman mag fullmoon.. malapit na naman matapos ang cycle nya.. ano kaya ang pakiramdam ng lalake sa buwan sa paulit ulit na cycle nito.. masaya kaya siya ? sana lang masaya sya, kasi kung hindi, sayang lang ang liwanag na dinadala nya sa kalangitan..
042810MAYAngligaw

Tingin ko masaya sya.. masaya sya na napapasaya nya tao dahil sa liwanag na binibigay nya gabi-gabi. Alam mo kung bakit sya minsan malungkot ? dahil higit kailanman, hindi niya kayang iwan ang buwan kapalit ng kanyang kaligayahang umibig. Alam nyang walang nilalang sa araw na pwede nyang makasama at makausap. Kaya masaya na sya sa pagbibigay nya ng liwanag sa sangkatauhan.
042810lawinlagos

Hindi lalake ang nasa moon, rabbit.
042810chubs

Paano naging rabit, lalake ang andun. Lumabas ka at tingnan mo.
042810MAYAngligaw

Eeee.. ayaw ko ng lumabas, basta rabbit talaga.
042810chubs

ang ganda ng moon.
043010chubs

Oo nga. Ang ganda ng moon. Mukhang masaya ngayon ang lalake sa buwan.. alam mo ba kung bakit?
043010MAYAngligaw

Oo nga.
043010jesse

I have no idea why, hindi ko sya ramdam.
043010lawinlagos

Nasanay na daw kasi tayong masaya siya. Kaya mahirap ng alamin kung alin ang totoo.
043010raffy

Hindi ganun.. I really know he is happy today.
043010MAYAngligaw

Kasi alam nya na may mga taong tumitingin sa buwan at umaasang maging masaya gaya niya. Kahit tanaw lang, naibabahagi nya ang saya sa kanyang puso.
043010via yang

Ngayon ko lang sya tiningnan. Oo nga, mukhang masaya siya ngayon.
043010jesse

We were both looking at it.. moon rise just happened at the back of the mountain and it eventually revealed so brightly as it rose up..
050410moonette

moon.. moon.. moon…
that beautiful Luna never fails to smile back..
050510brentwood

Hindi daw lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng 2nd chances, kaya kapag may pagkakataon ka.. you have to make sure daw that you give it your best shot.. you give it your all. Dahil kung hindi, you may have missed your only chance.. parang blue moon..
050610MAYAngligaw

sa bawat paglubog ng araw naghihintay ako sa buwan at umaasang sa kanyang ngiti sa gitna ng gabi magdala rin ng tuwa sa aking puso.
050410viayang

Last cycle na ng moon…
050610MAYAng ligaw

I can forever count the stars.. or forever befriend the moon.. – I wanna stop counting stars, coz I want the moon better. I’d rather have one than make believe I have the stars at hand.
051310brentwood

Newmoon na pala… ano kayang hiwaga ng moon cycle ngayon… nakangiti kaya ang buwan?
051410 via yang

Looking at the moon right now, oo nga, mukhang malungkot nga siya ngayon.
051710 MAYAng ligaw

Oo nga :( iniwan na si moon ng star nya. Kanyang patuloy na ikukubli ang kalungkutan para mag mukha syang masaya sa iba.
051710raffy

Oo nga, iniwan ng star ang moon. Kaya malungkot ito. Pero darating din ang araw na muli itong ngingiti. Di magtatagal, magbubunga ang buwan ng bagong uring kasiyahan. At ito ang laging mag papaalala sa kanya sa star.
051710 MAYAngligaw

Hindi ko mahagilap ang buwan. :(
052210 raffy

One night, someone noticed a star losing its usual bright glow and asked it why. Then I answered: “I’ve grown tired and weak shining for the moon who doesn’t even show up in the sky to be with me.”
052610 raffy

That’s the problem with the stars, they continue to shine for the moon, forgetting that there are so many of them doing the same.. for just one moon.
052610 MAYAngligaw

last quarter na..
060410friday
MAYAngligaw

wanningcresent..
061110friday..
MAYAngligaw

bluemoon man 'yon,
dumaan pa rin.
061210saturday
MAYAngligaw

strandedHEARTS

galing sa lumangBAUL
(sagot ni P.L sa Relapse ni via yang)




sabi nila, may kanya-kanya daw oras ang lahat ng bagay. Minsan iniisip ko, pwede bang malaman agad kung kelan ka masasaktan? Kung kelan mo dapat itago muna ang puso mo para wala itong maramdaman na kahit anong sakit.

kung pwede nga lang talaga, kaso hindi ganun ang buhay. Lalong hindi ganun kapag pag ibig ang pinag uusapan. Kahit anong pilit mong kalimutan ang nakaraang araw, mararamdaman pa rin ng puso mo ang lungkot ng pagkawala, ang sakit ng nanlamig ng puso.

ano bang dapat gawin kapag nawala sa’yo ang pinaka nag bibigay sayong kahulugan? Kapag nawala hindi lang kabiyak ng puso mo, kundi yung puso ng puso mo mismo? May dahilan pa nga bang mabuhay kapag ganun? Paano ba talaga mabuhay kapag nabasag na pati kaluluwa mo dahil sa pagkawala ng dahilan na huminga muli, na mabuhay muli?

lahat na yata natanong ko na. Kung pwede lang, sa bawat pagtanong ko, nababawasan din ang sakit sa puso ko. Kung pwede lang na sa bawat pag luha ko, nakakalimot ako sa nakaraan. at kung pwede lang, sa bawat araw na nakikita kita, makalimutan ko na mahal na mahal pa rin kita.
kung pwede lang sabihin ng puso ko na pagod na pagod na sya. Sana nga, sana nga mapagod na ako.. para makapag patuloy ng muli…
042110wednesday

fourteenTIMES

and I’d stay as strong and I’d stay as true
and you’d have forever now to think it through

in a place and time we never know
i’d be standing there waiting for you

but until that time is now
i’d be holding on somehow

until another life

071710saturday

rippledPAIN

i remember the other night when Pusong matapang texted about how he was feeling at that time.  he said something like "it's so hard to be friends with someone special.. because everytime you look at that person, all you see is everything you want to have.."

i can recall texting him back saying that pain is the price we pay for every good memory we have for someone we lose or someone we feel we cannot have.. it's part of the price we pay when we choose to love.. but still the same, it's not enough reason for us to stop loving again.. or even, loving more.. and more..

i do not know if i made sense to him when i said that. i am not really sure if i was being helpful either. after all,  Pop once said that when we are hurting, we should not listen to people who try to talk us out of the pain or show us how to fix it.  he said further that if we try so hard to fix pain, it only takes longer to heal.

i believe Pop is right when he said that.  i know that no matter how much talking we hear about healing wounds, or how hard we try to self talk our mind and heart, wounds don't obey our wishes.  healing takes place at its own way and its own time.   

question then is, what do we do when we're hurting?
what do we do when we feel that we can only stare and just adore them from a distance?
paano kung kahit kailan hindi magiging abot kamay ang pangarap?
paano kung magkaiba talaga ang langit na kabibilangan?

(Bigsigh).. para kay Pusong Matapang, love like you're not hurting at all.. or more so, love like you've never heard of the word hurt before...


Pilosopong Tasyo once said, love is after all a decision to make.. kaya sige lang, hanggat kaya..

"the way wounds heal is a miracle.  inevitably they heal on their own.

all we have to do is do not let our hungry egos demand

 that the pain go away on a certain timetable. 

we need to have faith that the pain will pass."

-daniel gottlieb-

071610friday

dwellingPLACE

sa tapat ng lugar namin ay simbahan ni St. Francis of Assisi. ito ang isang bagay na nagpapasaya sa akin sa bagong langit ko. napapasaya ako nito.. may pagkakataon ako na dumaan at magpahinga doon. sa mga oras na nasa loob ako nito, pakiramdam ko nasa naga lang ako.  pakiramdam ko, malapit lang kayo.

isa ito sa lagi kong ipinagpapasalamat.  at least, walang araw na dumadaan na hindi ako ngumingiti.

miss ko na kayo.

peace be with you baleigh.
peace be with you chubs.

peace be with you RuSs.

071610friday

myGULAY

kapag pinag uusapan ang adjustment sa isang pagbabago, mahalaga daw na ang mga bagay sa paligid mo ay yung mga makakatulong din saiyo. pero minsan, nakakapagtaka kapag ang nangyayari is the total opposite of the "mga sana"..

as much as you want for things to be easy, sitwasyon na mismo ang susubok sa tatag mo.  at kapag nasa harapan mo na ang mga iyon, matatawa ka na lang, mapapatingin ka na lang sa langit na wari'y nag sasabing "God naman, can you not spare me this day?...", o minsan, pwede rin sumimangot dahil pakiramdam mo the day is unfair again..

              ito ang ilan sa mga halimbawang sinasabi ko:

• alam mo bang halos 100 na tao araw-araw ang nakikita kong kumakain ng Zagu..
• i'm staying on the 16th floor..
• around the corner is room 16-14..
• ang daming nag papatugtog ng kanta ni miley cyrus..
• lagi ko pang nakikita ang BIGGER CHUBBY commercial...
• ang mga bagong nakikilala ko may mga kamukhang pcs&svs (its really so weird)..
• kahit saan na foodcourt, may stall ng fruitas..
• marami akong nakikilala na mga nursing students...

walang araw ang lumilipas na hindi ko ma encounter ang kahit isa sa mga nabanggit ko.  nakakatawa ano.. weird.. hindi ko maintindihan what time is trying to point out.. kung sabagay, kahit papaano, nararamdaman ko naman na pinapatatag pa din ako nito..

sana lang,
dumating din yung araw na kahit mag sabay sabay pa sila sa harap ko,
ngingiti na lang ako.

at sa araw na iyon,

masasabi ko na okay na ako..

in the meantime,

sige lang Lord,

BRING IT ON!!

signsUNITERRUPTED

do you know the feeling when time and situations seem to play with you, or play with your thoughts, and most your emotions? i feel that my heart skips a couple of beats everytime such happens. sometimes, it even gives me the feeling of sudden emptiness, sudden deaths.

the other night, i was feeling so sad again.  Seth was asking why i seemed sad, why i was crying again. i just told him that my newmoon was not lit. the night made me uncomfortable. eating my dinner without the sight of it from this 16th floor was

like a sad love song..

like rain turning sand into mud..

like a flightless bird..

hai5.
hai8.
i cried myself to sleep that night.
then just this afternoon, my training teacher was telling a story. and suddenly, she used the names estrella and luna to represent the characters of her story. how weird could that be.. talk about time playing with me again..

this time though, i did not cry.
rather, i smiled.
i don't know, the estrellas may be far and many..
typhoon basyang may cover them up tonight..

but the truth still remains.
and that is,
when all else is gone,
i will still be here.. mine will still be here..


071310tuesday

starlightEXPRESS

i was walking home from work when i heard the song starlight express. i then remembered the last argument i had during the weekend with Berdeng Ibon. i was telling him that i am really sad not to be seeing my moon and stars at night. he was actually laughing, insisting that stars are visible in the area. i too kept on telling him that i  never saw a star for almost a week already. still, he ended the argument that they are visible.. that i just have to choose to see it.. because they are there..

with that as a last thought, i stared at the evening sky.. and tried to locate a star..

i did not see a single star.
what more my moon.

but believe or not,
surprisingly,
i wasn't feeling sad.

i didn't exactly know why.
but it gave me the feeling that they are really there after all.

yes, i may not be seeing them literally..
but i know that beneath those smog,
are my moon and my stars..

i know.
i just know.
because my heart never lies.

i whisper these as i continue to believe..
starlight express, starlight express
are you there, yes or no,
starlight express, please answer me yes,
i don't want you to go..


071210monday

flappingWINGS

it's actually my first day of training. the feeling of not being excited about it scared me.  maybe because i am not too sure if i really want the job or not.  i was listening to the same song over and over until i reached the office.  still the same, i was so unsure of why i was there.

it was on the other hand nice to meet new people.  i was with two newly grads. they too were trainees like me.  looking at them wheneve they talked made me remember the kids back home.  sheanie is from leyte, and the quiet type between the two.  alai on the other hand is very perky.  she has a loud voice and really loves to tell stories.  she's also very smart.

the experience with them was a humbling experience for me.  as someone who had been working for several years, and this time being in the same position with newly graduates, the experience gave me a feeling that life can really bring us to certain situations where we will be humbled and accept the fact that things change.

it was a fun day. learning new things was exciting. meeting new friends was exceptional.

(bigsigh)

on the other hand,

nothing still beats my home grown angel without wings.

(doublesigh)
i just really miss everyone.
badly.

071210monday

guardianSETH

life can really be surprising. just when you thought all is doing well and that you already have everything in your life, suddenly, everything can all be gone in an instant..

then you wonder why.
you ask why.

then you get lost.
and your soul continue to wander.

then you start to hope.
and hope even more.

that's also the time when you start to see new blessings, gifts.
although you both know that there are the missing pieces,
and that souls are still broken,
friendships try to build you up again.
the company tries to suffice what's lacking.
the simple hi's and helloes try to fill up the peace you yearn for.
each time becomes a push to keep going on and just keep flying.

buti na lang...

thank you for being a clearwater to me.
thank you for staying while my vampire is away.

071010sunday

beyondPERMANENCE

jessica's valeditory address in the movie eclipse actually brought me to reflect on things again.  she mentioned about "committing as many mistakes as you can because after all, nothing is permanent in this world."

the words continued to ring in my ears in between the movies (of course, the words of jacob were more melting than most of edwards..).. but yes, it kept me wondrin', were her thoughts about life and living it true in its very essence?

are there, in the first place mistakes in life? or are they mostly just lessons to be learned, or maybe unlearn, or relearn?  wala rin ba talagang permanente sa mundo? o baka naman nasa pagtingin na iyon ng tao?

it made me recall a common thinking of people about having everything.. we keep hearing people say that it is not possible for one to have everything.. i admit i used to think that way too.. but believe it or not, once in my life, i actually had everything.. i did.. and it was all REAL..

and so with these thoughts,

i'd say there is still such a thing as permanent..  there is after all what i call magic... there is love beyond beyond.. there are still happy ever afters... and there are endless chances in other lifetimes...

that is something permanent..
and they are for real...


071010sunday

walangTRAFFIC

nasasobrahan ako ng tulog kanina. obviously, ibig sabihin nun, mas mabilis na paglalakad papunta sa magiging bago kong lungga. dahil hindi pa ako marunong sa pasikot-sikot ng lugar, mas mabuti para sa akin na maglakad na lang patungo sa pupuntahan.

halo-halo pa rin ang emotions ko habang tinatahak ang daan. bulong sa langit na maging mabuti sa akin ang panahon, ang mga taong makikilala, at ang bagong sitwasyon na haharapin. i can only be hopeful.

marami din akong natukalasan sa araw na ito. natuklasan ko na dahil late na ako kanina, it took me 1,265 steps para marating ang lugar. kasama na dun ang 2 sets ng staircase at 2 going up na escalator; 2 footbridges, at isang highrise na elevator ride. nung naglakad naman ako using my natural pace pauwi, inabot ako ng 2,635 steps.  it's also equivalent to 5 repeats of Gary V's in another lifetime song.

God really has a way of making you experience life in extraordinary ways.  kung dati hirap akong lakarin ang ateneo avenue, ngayon, ilang rounds ng ateneo avenue ang katumbas ng nagiging araw-araw kong lakad.

hay.. kung sabagay, mas gugustuhin ko naman na maglakad na lang, kesa maipit ako sa trafic.

bahagi ito ng bagong langit ko ngayon.

iniisip ko na naman,

ano kaya kung nandito din kayo kasama ko?

it would make a lot of difference i know.

missing you guys.

070910friday